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  • Writer's pictureJim Leonardo

How to Type an entire book in One Minute

Today I shall teach you how to type an entire book in one minute. I don’t mean that it will take me one minute to teach you how to type an entire book. No, what I will teach you will help you type an entire book in one minute. I must be honest though, I am lying a little bit. I’m quite sure you can do it in under one minute, but how to type an entire book in under one minute doesn’t roll of the tongue quite as well.

I am also quite sure that if you are reading this, you are one of the more literate and intelligent sort of people and can imagine yourself wanting to type an entire book in one minute. If you were not this literate and intelligent sort of person, you would not care about an entire book at all. So, compliments out of the way, for the moment, let us proceed, shall we?

I know. You are thinking that compliments cannot be out of the way because you have not complimented me yet. I am sure that after I teach you how to to type an entire book in one minute you will want to compliment me over and over again. That is why I am comfortable with you not complimenting me now. So, let us assume that the customary exchange of pleasantries is complete and get on with me teaching you how to type an entire book in one minute.

Thus dispensing with any further genteel civilities, we can proceed to prerequisites. In order to teach you how to type an entire book in one minute, I assume you have certain equipment, particular skills, and a deep and abiding passion for learning how to type an entire book in one minute. Verily, I have a deep and abiding passion for teaching you how to type an entire book in one minute. Or, more precisely, as I said earlier, how to type an entire book in under one minute.

Among the equipment you will require is a fairly modern computer with all the usual appurtenances. The click-clacky thing commonly known as a keyboard is a natural obligation. One of those loathsomely bright things commonly known as monitors, but just as often known as displays in this current era, particularly when your fairly modern computer is of the more portable variety and so has this luminescent miscreation clumsily and permanently attached like so many body parts of Frankenstein’s monster, will also be required. The use of a male or female rodent to aid your gesticulations is a matter of personal preference, although in the event that you do prefer murine contraptions, I recommend keeping any local felines away from your electronic scribe.

In addition to an appropriate source of electrons to satiate the hunger of your technological marvel, you will require a form of computer application that accepts input from the keyboard, translating it into figures which will appear upon the radiant monstrosity that you will be staring into while you type an entire book in one minute. The particular program you use does not matter for the purpose of learning to type an entire book in one minute. Any word processor or text editor shall do the job.

It also helps to turn on the computer and display. With any luck, the dastardly display is coupled in such a way to the computer as to turn on at the same time. The less you need to interact with that devilish device, the better! Please also ensure that the little liney thing which often is called a cursor is located within the bounds of your word processing or text editing application and it is amply ready for your inputs. While you can still learn to type an entire book in one minute without having the computer running in good order, the result is likely to be less than satisfying. A less than satisfactory result will likely lead to you being the curser.

This leads us to the particular skills you need before you start. In the present-day, I presume these skills to be of no great rarity. Namely, you must be sufficiently proficient in the use of the computer, all of its peripheral componentry, and the select word processing or text editing application to learn how to type an entire book in one minute. If you are not already a skilled typist, it will benefit you to practice first. With a mere three or four years of practice, you will be able to type faster than you think, which, come to think of it, explains why the Internet, and indeed, all of society, is in the state it is in.

Such wandering and idle speculation does not help us reach our goal, so let us return to the topic of learning to type an entire book in one minute. Now that you have adequate equipment and sufficient skill, let us proceed to the instructional part of these instructions. I shall tell you exactly which steps to take. While the tools which you have at your disposal may vary somewhat from the gadgetry of which I make use, these instructions will be adequate for most persons, as long as English is both their native language and the native language of their equipment.

Thus equipped both with tool and skill, you are quite ready to learn to type an entire book in one minute. Let us proceed.

Orienting yourself to the keyboard, press the letter A. Don’t forget to let go once you see the letter appear on the evil electronic panel.

Without further ado, reorient yourself to the keyboard and depress the letter N. Again, don’t forget to undepress the N once the corresponding symbol appears on the shining aberration in front of you.

Proceeding onward to our next word, we encounter a bit of typographic magicry. Press the space bar. This makes it appear nothing happens, but it does indeed do something. That something just happens to be nothing.

Don’t stop! We need to finish this process in one minute! We can marvel over the sorcerous ways of the space bar later. We must press on! Click the E key.

Hopefully that has helped settle you back down from our encounter with the black arts of the large bar on the bottom of the keyboard If not, take comfort as we find ourselves in familiar territory. Push the N key once more.

It really is quite remarkable. We’ve reached this point without needing the next instruction but at last here we go. Engage the character T. As always release upon satisfactory display of the letter. Do not become obsessed with the infernal screen.

This next instruction can be confusing. When I say press I, I do not mean you should press me. I mean that you should press the I button on the input board in front of you. So go ahead and do that

Relax, you are making good progress. Let the stress melt out of your shoulders and don’t squint too hard lest you get a headache. I have wrestled with these sorts of headaches thanks to the rancid radiations output by our modern-day palimpsest and I do not at all recommend them. Now focus and move on. We shall use our R.

Once again, we return to a path we’ve trod before. This time move ever so slightly, at least if you are using a common style keyboard, back to the E. Yes. We do that one again.

Oh no! The seductive trap of the space bar again. Don’t let its illusion of nothingness fool you. Just press it once and proceed. Trust it has done something, although once again naught appears for your effort.

Be still. Just a little more to go. You are as busy as a bee and have reached the beginning of the end. Do move you finger to the row above the seductive space bar and push B.

Now comes the challenging part. This is the climax of our effort, the crisis for our hero! You need to double down and double tap the letter O.

And so we enter our denouement, the winding up of our didactic endeavor. The climax is behind us and all is well with the world. All is OK. So, press K.

Congratulations! You can be proud that you have made it all the way through our little course. Repeat those instructions until you are quite comfortable executing them from memory. When are able to do so, you will have become a master of the process and, I assure you, be able to type an entire book in one minute. With persistent practice and no small amount of luck, you will find you can do it even less than one minute. Now get out there and show off your skills!

All transactions are final and no refunds will be given. Let the buyer wear bees.

Photo by Daria Kraplak on Unsplash

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